I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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