"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
But theres a keg here and me gusta
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize