I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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