When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
