Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
