I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
