All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
