youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
