i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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