I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
