I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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