my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
