I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
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