i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Randomize
