You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize