some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
