i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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