Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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