Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
