i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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