my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
