I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
