What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize