So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
