My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize