Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
