This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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