Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So squirting runs in the family.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
