my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
