Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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