You smell like a Billy Joel song
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
