the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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