this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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