Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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