Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
