I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
