Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
