Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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