I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
