dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
