i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
