So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
