I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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