i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
