Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
