Swine flu is the new snow day.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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