Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
