You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
