did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
