I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize