im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
