This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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