He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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