i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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