Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
