you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize