I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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