from now on my penis is your penis
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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