i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
